Ascending. Descending. Polar highs and lows. Love and hate. Giving and taking. Opening and Closing.
In the last 10 months I have ridden each of these waves on the surfboard of my horizon trying my best to remember the vast ocean within me. Some days were better than others but i never lost the faith that in every single moment a power greater than myself was orchestrating a symphony just for me. What I now refer to as my lightning bolt moment on May 18 when the man i loved with all my heart ended our relationship seems like a million years ago. Within the last 300 days I have felt as small as a grain of sand when I used this event to measure myself and as large as the universe when i remembered there was a greater plan. I never laid eyes on him again even though we live 30 minutes apart.
I had a very difficult time being on the freeway near his exit and seeing white Chevy trucks passing me by. I would look in every window to see if it was him. These were the small grain of sand moments. Then he called me during the holidays. He wanted to tell me how much I meant to him and all the gifts I had given to him and that he admired me so much as a woman and a mother. We both cried and the last words he said were "I love you." I knew this was not a romantic love. I knew his soul was speaking to mine.
The connection we had was undeniable from the first, but he kept me at a distance and on May 18 sent me away forever. In our last conversation he confirmed that he thought of me all the time. As I thought of him. As the days went by, I discovered that if I thought of him during the day, I would stop and send blessings to him. And I knew that he felt them. I called it communion. I won't pretend that after our conversation I didn't ever want to see him in person. But my heart calmed down so much. It found a resting place. He made sure that my heart was at rest because he knew I would never see him again.
On Thursday he took his life. His precious life that no longer felt precious to him. I drove to his house. I got off that exit I had been longing to and walked into his house that I had daydreamed of doing for 300 days. His children embraced me and I met the woman who took my place. When she discovered who I was, she took me in her arms and rocked and held me while I broke down. This was one of the greatest acts of compassion I have every known. She said we both loved a good man. And we did. He had a gorgeous generous soul and a troubled mind.
I will never see his form again, but i have grounded a cord between heaven and earth so i can be here for him. And I let him know that if he wants to come in my dreams to speak that I have opened that door for him. This is what I can do. I can't take the pain from his 4 beautiful daughters or his sweet girlfriend who has been swept out of his life. But I know how to stitch heaven and earth together with loving moments and the remembrance I was gifted with. And this I will do for my beloved crazy man. This i will do.